Do you see me standing here, watching you
by Mazmaraz
Summary: How do you tell someone that you want to be with them, always.  M!Shep/Kaidan


Shepard pulled his shirt down swiftly as the door to his quarters hissed open. He clearly hadn't been fast enough though as Staff Lieutenant Alenko just raised an eyebrow at him as he wandered through the door.

"Chakwas said you were moving awkwardly and that I should probably come patch you up." He waved the handful of bandages and medigel packets. "What'd you do to make her so cranky anyway?" He dropped the supplies on the bed and sat down.

Shepard rolled his eyes, shaking his head. He didn't care to explain that it wasn't Chakwas that was putting him off the medical bay. Crew stability was shaky at the moment already, he didn't need it going around that he was having issues with Liara. Besides, it wasn't like it was a serious injury, just a little awkward. He'd patched himself up from worse.

"So," Kaidan waved a hand at Shepard's t-shirt, indicating he should take it off. "Is it just your side or did the merc get you anywhere else?" He picked up one of the plastic wrapped sanitized cloths and ripped it open.

Shepard raised his shirt over his head leaving his arms trapped within the fabric and turned to the side a little so Kaidan could see.

Kaidan whistled lowly. "Commander, she nearly gutted you." His hands went straight to the line of Shepard's track pants where the temporary bandages - already bled through - disappeared beneath the fabric, forcing Shepard to lie back awkwardly. "Garrus wasn't kidding when he said your armour was trashed." He ran his fingers lightly over the edge of the wound, tracing it all the way up Shepard's side to his shoulder blade.

Kaidan worked quickly and quietly. Efficiently. Clinically? Cleaning the blood and dirt away, applying medigel, taping over it with proper bandages.

Shepard didn't know what he'd been expecting. Gentle hands and some friendly ribbing? Quiet reprimand and an admonishment for not taking care of himself? That somehow, in the act of having to take care of him Kaidan would show that he cared; that there was something there; that Shepard wasn't just dreaming of impossible fantasies?

But the hands that were a little too rough, weren't rough in anger, just not practised at dealing with other people's injuries. And Kaidan didn't even hesitate when he got back down to Shepard's horrible attempt at bandaging his lower stomach. He just inched Shepard's trousers down until he had enough room to work on the wound and dealt with it like he had with the rest.

Shepard let his eyes wander elsewhere, the empty wall, the blank grey ceiling. He wanted this to mean something. But was this somehow the answer to all the questions he'd been silently asking.

Was the answer 'No, Kaidan doesn't want you?'

Could he live with that?

A sudden jolt of pain made Shepard jerk his legs up in reflex, he lowered them again immediately though, groaning pathetically as all the muscles along the right side of stomach flared up in pain.

"Suck it up, Commander." Kaidan paused for a moment, his elbow resting against Shepard's thigh, his hand warm against Shepard's stomach. His thumb brushing gently over the skin of Shepard's hip.

Shepard lifted his head and looked down at him.

Kaidan glanced away. "Nearly done." His hand stayed.

Shepard waited until Kaidan had taped down the last bandage and wiped his hands clean before sitting up. He moved himself into Kaidan's space hoping for a reaction.

He'd seen it. He was sure he had. Just before Kaidan had looked away. It was there, he wasn't just being delusional. Kaidan just wasn't willing to reveal it.

"Hey, hey." Kaidan placed a hand against Shepard's ribs, moving to push him back down again. "You should probably just sleep for a bit."

If he turned his face just a little...

Shepard tilted his head and moved in, wrapping one hand around the back of Kaidan's head and kissing him.

It wasn't gentle, there was too much desperation and disbelief behind it. Kaidan was responding and that was the only thing Shepard could think of, he wasn't stopping to see if they were both on the same page. He pulled Kaidan against him, rolling them both until they were pressed chest to chest and he could feel the entire length of Kaidan's body beneath him. He ground downwards, running his hands down Kaidan's sides to his waist, awkwardly tugging at the base of his shirt, trying to get it free of his trousers.

Kaidan pulled away sharply.

Breathing heavily, Shepard paused for a moment. He tried to swallow his disappointment, tried to keep his face blank as he looked down at Kaidan.

"I wasn't asking for this." Kaidan said, quietly. There were shades of guilt and shame in his voice. As if this had been his lapse of judgement, not Shepard's desperate hopefulness.

Shepard looked carefully into Kaidan's eyes. "Do you want it." He could see Kaidan's hesitance, his uncertainty, the indecision that flickered across his features.

Kaidan glanced away, trying to find something in the featureless room to focus on. "What is 'it' exactly?"

Shepard waited, hoping Kaidan would look up at him again so he could determine what the right answer was, but despite the nervous tension building between them, Kaidan didn't seem inclined to give him that option. Resting his chin against Kaidan's collarbone, he ran a hand firmly up Kaidan's ribs and took a deep breath.

What did Kaidan want? What did he need? He was such a hesitant person, with back up plans for back up plans. He didn't like the unexpected or being caught off guard. But whatever he got himself into he always liked to give himself a way out. Even if Kaidan eventually decided that he didn't want Shepard in the end, he wanted him a little bit now. Maybe Shepard couldn't have him forever, maybe he could only have him in this single moment, but maybe this was the turning point, maybe this is what would convince Kaidan to say what Shepard was sure he felt.

Shepard pressed his lips to Kaidan's chest, then lifted his head again so he could nudge the underside of Kaidan's jaw with his nose. "I don't know, Kaidan," he murmured. "It might be only this, now, but..." he stopped to breathe. How did you say you wanted someone always without scaring them away. "But maybe...maybe it'd be a little bit more later on." That worked, right?

He inhaled deeply knowing it would be a bad idea to memorise this smell. He waited. Holding on. Hoping. Trying not to let his body respond. The throbbing pain in his side that he'd managed to ignore for the last five minutes was kind of helping with that though.

Kaidan's fingers gently traced over the back of Shepard's scalp, making him shiver. He turned to press his face against Shepard's. "Ok," he whispered. "Ok."

Shepard grinned, feeling Kaidan begin to relax.

Kaidan pulled Shepard up for a kiss, wrapping an arm firmly around his waist and rolling them both over. "You heal fast, right?" He sat up, straddling Shepard's thighs, and stripped off his shirt, dropping it off the side of the bed. He leant in for another kiss, his hands going straight for Shepard's pants. "Doesn't matter." He mumbled, kissing him again. "I promise to fix you again if you break."


End file.
